update 2/14/06

halfway between here and somewhere...
Current mood: blank

How do I even put this into words? I've been asking God to increase my ability to express myself in words. But, when I feel like I am not putting my feelings into words accurately I just get more frustrated. Then I just get upset at myself for not writing anything...because then I have about a billion past things that I want to journal about and still more things happening in the moment. AAhhhhhh! So, I guess this is my way of trying to apologize to myself and any other about not posting in so long...and to move on and just write about what is on my heart at the moment.

I am moving in a week. My emotions are a huge jumble. I'm extremely excited...but scared at the same time. Not to mention feeling like I don't have enough time to hang out with everyone that I want to see. I feel like the time that I DO have with people is so limited that I can't give the  amount of time that I want with each person.

I went to The One Thing conference in Kansas City. It was amazing. There isn't much that I can put into words about the conference. There was a lot that the Lord spoke to me personally...and I think I'm suppose to keep most of it personal. The worship sessions were unbelievable. There was no walls up, just thousands of people ready to give their all...surrender their hearts in abandon to the  Lord. I know God is going to reveal more to me about that trip in the next few weeks to come...and I'm sure I will feel release to write about it then. But this blog is about a different issue.

I had to have my room all packed and emptied out before I left of One Thing because Sarah's new room mate was moving in while I was gone. I knew that I was only going to be in Florida for a week once we got back so it just made since for her to already move her stuff into the room.

We returned home around 5:00 am on Monday morning. I went to sleep on the futon. The next morning (actually afternoon) when I woke up is when it hit me. I didn't feel like I was at home anymore. I was in my condo...but it wasn't mine anymore. I felt almost as if I should be asking permission to take a shower or to use the washer and dryer. Of course this wasn't due to anything being said or done from my room mate. I just knew in my spirit that I wasn't home anymore...and home was a place that I had never been to, yet.

I still feel that way. It's like I'm halfway between here and somewhere (hmmm, isn't that a CD title). I'm not completely here or there. I've never been in this situation before. It's total transition. It's such an emotional thing. I know that God is bringing healing in this transition, too. I know that in the past when things have gotten difficult or change has come, I have back away from everyone until I feel safe...no longer vulnerable. But, I can't crawl into my safe hole this time. If I do my week will be spent and I will regret not using my time to spend with the people that I care about here. Because honestly, thinking about saying goodbye and the emotions and tears that come with it are making me want to just crawl into bed and cry by myself.

I am grateful for my friends, though. I am blessed. I praise God for what He is doing and the time He IS allowing me to have with them before I leave. Not to mention the new friends that He is providing for me when I get to St. Louis. That was a cool thing that I can share about the conference. I was about to meet four of the students from Revolution School. Brian, Daniel, Ross, and Melissa. I really enjoyed the times that I was able to see them and talk with them at the conference. It was God's grace...cause He knows that I'm going to need some friends as soon as I get there to help me get through this transition.

So, for the rest of the week...busy, busy, busy. If you think about it you can say a prayer for me. Practically: for strength. I'm getting over being sick, and having a really gnarly spider bite on the trip (it's pretty gross, but getting better). And, you can also pray for extreme grace while I say my goodbyes. Well, we'll say my 'see you later's.

I'm pretty tired now, so I need to get to sleep. But, I wanted to get this out before it became another thing that I wanted to write about but need to spend time updating before I could.

I pray that you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year. I love you all and would love to hear from you. I'm sorry I've been so horrible with keeping in touch. I was trying to run from my emotions...it doesn't work...just makes me sorry for not keeping in touch.

Anyway, I really do love you all. To those in Florida, I will miss you terribly. To those in STL, I can't wait to meet the rest of you and to build friendships. To all others, I'll try harder to keep in touch.

~Lyssa

Currently Listening When Silence Falls see related

I come to the point that I dread writing a blog...only because there is so much that I need to catch everyone up on and I don't want to write a novel. Lazy...I think that could be a huge part of it.

Most of you know, I'm moving in January. I don't feel like writing all the details or how this came about, but I will tell the basis. It's not like I'm not excited to go...much the opposite. I just don't feel like typing for that long. Anyway, I will be attending Revolution School for worship ministry. It's a two year program. I will be taking music courses (theory, voice lessons, guitar lessons, creative worship leading, recording) as well as bible courses (new testament, old testament, psalms, church history). I will also be involved in daily worship sessions, outreaches, missions, and connected to the St. Louis House of Prayer and Joyce Meyers Ministries. I can't wait!!!

If I think too much about it I get overwhelmed. As much as I want to be there RIGHT NOW, I have so much to do before I leave. Raising funds being the major part of it. I have about a month and a half to bring in the money I will need. God is good, and I know that He will provide. My prayer is just that everything runs smoothly and quickly so that I don't freak out. My flesh has kicked in a few times and I have worried. But, God always blesses me when I need it most.

I'm going to miss everyone here so much. I've tried not to think about that as much. I have so much to get done before I go and it keeps my mind off of thinking of all the people I will be leaving. I wish I could just take some of them with me. I know this is from God though. I am and will be stretched in ways I have never needed to be before. I'm excited, yes, but I know it won't be a walk in the park.

Hhmmm, I would appreciate all your prayers. And, I hope y'all don't take that the wrong way. I know that I am suppose to go...I'm not doubting that at all. I just would like prayer for my finances to come in and for an easy transition.

If you have any questions, or this is all new news to you, feel free to ask my anything you want.

I love you all...

Lyssa

So much happening, and so much I want to talk about...yet, I have to wait. God has been speaking to me and I want so badly to share what He is saying...but it will come soon.

I have been so busy with 'things' and just haven't been able to write about any of it. God is so good. He has been revealing Himself to me in such practical ways. I love learning new things about my Beloved. He has been giving me direction, and at the same time showing me some areas that I have to stand up. Areas that may not be the easiest or the most fun, and I may have to stand by myself. But, I know that even if I stand by myself I won't be standing alone...Jesus is always with me.

I have had some intense dreams. A lot of confirmation has been happening in the hours of my sleep. Last night I had another one, yet I can't remember the details. I know I'm not suppose to know all of this dream yet. I actually took a little nap this afternoon and the dream continued. The nap wasn't on purpose...it was almost as if God just made me sleep, because I wasn't tired. And, when I woke up I was surprised that I had been sleeping. I knew that I had continued the dream from last night, but again I couldn't remember details. It seemed very familiar, and yet I couldn't tell you what it was about, who was in it, or where it was. But, my spirit knows.

This may all sound very vague. That's because it is. I don't know what else to say without saying something before it's time. Aaahhhhh...I guess this was mostly for me. I was tired of holding EVERYTHING inside. I'm so excited...

~Lyssa

Currently Listening I Have to Believe By Rita Springer see related

God is such a jealous God. He is jealous for our love and our attention.

I am so grieved each week as I watch the youth. Last night God showed me a small part of what His heart feels...and my heart began to break.

There are people in our youth church that go about their selfish lives through out the week. Doing what they want, making choices that they think will make THEM feel good. They even show up to church with this attitude to start. They are making fun of each other, laughing at each other. And this has become acceptable?!? Why?

Then worship starts. They start by clearing away a space so they can 'violently pursue God' with exaggerated motions...thrashing their arms and legs, spinning around, pacing, yelling loudly for the Lord to come. Or so it SEEMS that they are in violent pursuit...until they see their friend walk out to go to the bathroom. Or someone from their group gets upset and storms out, and they all feel it's their duty to follow after and be a part of the tantrum. They are more focused on what their friends are doing rather than realizing the words they are singing.

Then comes a passionate worship song...usually something along the lines of God's grace, or how He cleanses us...and they appear to be broken. Their look on their face changes to say, "I am so sad...I am so hurt...Please notice me so that I can get attention." And, of course, since they are more focused on their friends, they notice...and they respond. They all clump together to hug on each other.

Or maybe one of them is truly being touched by God and is face down on the floor...broken...undone. They feel like it is their duty to go put their hands on them. Are they praying? Or are they using that as an excuse to not have to press in themselves? When someone is on their face before the Lord, it's not always a sign for someone to come sit with them...sometimes GOD wants to sit with them. Not only could that be a distraction to the person being broken...but the others aren't giving their full attention to the Lord and what He wants to do IN THEM! What if God wanted them to spend some face down time?

GOD IS SO JEALOUS!!!!

Are they so scared to really let go? Are they afraid to really seek God, unsure of what that will REALLY feel like? GOD wants to be there to comfort them...GOD wants to be there to sit with them...GOD wants to be there to embrace them. But, so often, there is no room for God.

Do they truly not understand? Have they never experienced the true touch of the Lord? Have they never heard His still small voice? Have they never felt His mighty power that could crush anything, but yet is so gentle that He holds us in His hand?

I weep.

And, it makes me wonder. Where are they finding their strength? If they cannot stand in a room full of people and find strength in the Lord, what do they do when they are all alone? What do they do in the dark night of the soul when the enemy comes to tempt them and tell them lies? Are they able to hear the voice of the Lord? Can they find that still small voice? Can they feel that gentle embrace telling them they aren't alone? Are they even able to recognize the Lord? If they cannot recognize what God is trying to do in a worship service with them individually...how do they know Him enough to recognize Him when they aren't in church?

They go about the rest of the week...and they wonder why they feel so alone. They wonder why they so easily fall into sin. They wonder why life is so hard for them. If they would only turn to Jesus.

My heart is grieved. Me...a sinful human, and imperfect lover, a wretch. So, HOW MUCH MORE IS THE LORD'S HEART GRIEVING?

And, I grieve for another reason. I grieve because every week I see it happen. Every week I walk away with this burden on my heart. And every week...I say nothing. Who am I. I have done nothing to try and reach out to these kids. I have done nothing to say...God cares, and so does God. No, instead I get frustrated if I have been distracted. I am selfish.

Lord, please help us...